The next round of initiations through a dark night of the soul
Where to start this one… Maybe first recap on last year's dieta with Renaco and Oak. When I was close to closing my dieta of one month with Renaco the message came to me that I need to prepare to go through ‘Xibalba’, coming from another version of myself that is a Mayan priest. Xibalba is the kingdom of shadows and fears, hell or the underworld. Call it what you like, just different names for the same space. Back then I didn’t understand what was said to me. That’s why I’m recapping this message to tell you this story. When I opened my dieta with Renaco, I came in big with the contract that I was putting up to set the terms and intention for connection with this amazing master tree. “Renaco, I reach out to you to clear everything out of the way that holds us back from reuniting as twin flames and calling in Debra too.” Back then was the first time I really started to dive deeper into past lives and higher frequency beings. I was always very down to earth and working with my current life. Until my love came into my life, she ripped the roof off of my world and opened the higher realms to me within the year.
After the summer of 2021 I received the mail that would flip my whole life plan 180 degrees. Debra invited me to join them in Belgium, to help prepare everything to leave the country for good. Back then I was so used to living life by myself. Never really connected strongly to family, besides mom and my sister. After 6 months in the jungle around Iquitos I found myself back in a tiny apartment in Belgium along the coastline. This was very strange to me, I was anxious and scared to open myself up to a new romantic relationship. We were often exhausted from just sitting next to each other. Not knowing what direction this was about to go in, we took it as it came. Finding blind trust in our intuition and guidance to step into the unknown. We became a family from day one, with our 7 year old sprout back then, Nora. Now she is 8. Dealing with the family drama around Debra her side supporting her where nobody was supporting her to show her that it is ok to trust again. Everything changed so fast! First we wanted to build up something stable financially before we made our move to leave Belgium. But we were literally pushed away into our mission. First Debra wanted to replace her old part-time job with a position in another city with the same company. They didn’t accept and she was forced to step into full time self-employed business. Then the opportunity to travel to Spain came up.
Long story short, this whole year has been a journey through all the darkness and fears that we were still holding onto within. These were the blocks that limited our access to our true self. Even though I was the person who drank the tree, it affected us both deeply and I learned later that I drank for both of us. We have been faced again with each demon we ever encountered in our life. Debra's personal ones, for me equally and for Nora too. Last week, after one year I started to lose myself because I deprived myself of personal space to do my work within. The whole time I had a feeling that I wasn’t worthy of taking this space and that I needed to be there to support Debra all the way through. Even if this meant destruction for myself. From my perspective now, this decision was necessary to get me all the way down to hell to face it all full-on without any opportunity to look or run away. Traumas, fears, frustrations, anger, the explosion of holding myself back and minimizing myself as unworthy..
Now we know that we have been moving through very old energies and patterns that needed to be cleansed out to be able to come together. So we discovered the true meaning of what a sacred union is. F* hard work! I can understand now why many people run away from their other half. But we noticed straight away that we would only be running away from ourselves. So it didn’t matter how ugly things got and how difficult it was. We pushed through! Here we are, happy as never before, becoming One with my amazing wife, Debra.
Now back to last week! Right before our first module of our sacred union course, I started to freak out, panicking to go online and bring this out. Know that the whole week I was very enthusiastic to start this course with Debra. We love to work together and this was our first task we were doing together again after a long time of working on separate projects. What happened right before the session, was at that time incomprehensible for me. All my insecurities came up which was for Debra also very painful to hear. After all we have been through, I started to doubt everything, the things I have done with my life, stepping into this sacred union, thinking I was going crazy. Nobody to blame for it, just some very very old and deep energies that needed to be faced. We came to a point that I was about to blow up the whole mission and leave, so I decided that it was a high emergency to go and sit by myself. Back to the ceremony for purging out whatever was blocking me. God bless, Gonzo was at my side to hold the space for me so I could express all that was holding me down to find clarity and understanding of what was going on within. This is what both of us did Monday night. We went out to the towers of Gálvez, to an abandoned castle without walls one hour out of town. Beautiful place to sit in silence and observe the stars. I purged, he purged and we found our peace again. During our aftertalk when we came down from the highest point of our journey we had some moments of silence and reflection inside. Oak came to… With a firm voice asking, ‘Did you understand the lesson now?’ His presence shocked me back to awareness. ‘What do you mean?’. ‘Holding space!’ said Oak. ‘When you truly hold space for others and you are the person to hold the space it isn’t about you. That’s why I stripped away everything from you to show you your responsibility in this space. You don’t need anything but yourself, your confidence and full remembering of who you are as a soul.’ This was a big one to me, it paralyzed me and connected all the dots of what happened to me this past year in how I had to learn to hold space. How would I ever be able to serve people if I didn’t even understand the real meaning of what it is to be responsible for holding the space and the people that come and sit with you to open up and heal.
With this insight I found fresh energy and understanding on what I needed to do to be there for my wife and for Nora, without forgetting to sit with myself on a regular schedule. ‘It is time to start working, you're not just an apprentice anymore.’ This year was just one big initiation on all different levels, to literally get rid of everything that was still standing in our way to become who we are supposed to be. The morning that we returned from our ceremony was for Debra the start of a very difficult and painful day. She embarked on a journey to Madrid with Nora, to take care of the paperwork for her passport to enter the USA. Before Christmas she’ll be leaving to Arizona to reunite with her family on her dad’s side. This is something Nora truly desires, so who are we to say that she can’t follow her heart. If this is the reason for her anger and frustration with her mom and their past, then we need to let her go so she can go and continue her own process of healing and growing into life, the life that she desires. It has been almost 5 years now that she hasn’t seen that side of the family. This whole journey was very difficult with her, because of this frustration and anger. Also the traumas she picked up from her first days alive up till last year have been a heavy toll on her being. She is dealing with autism and also carries a deep darkness in the line of possible narcisme and borderline. This isn’t her fault but she does carry the influence of the masculine side she encountered in her first years in life. This is something that only her dad can help to heal. The whole day was full of unexpected changes and with the lack of sleep for Debra this was extremely exhausting. While going on this journey to Madrid, she went through a whole process of letting out the emotions that this choice brought up. I couldn’t really help out which was very difficult from such a distance, but then I remembered the importance of holding space. ‘What if you just call her?’, said Gonzo. So she can hear my voice and maybe I can guide her like that through some heavy emotions so she could find the courage to finish her journey. And she did, like a true master she did what needed to be done and dealt with all the extra things without hesitation and made it back home on time. Public transport is very limited in the countryside here and leaves you with very few options to travel fluently to Madrid and back within a day.
The day after, we had good talks and shared our insights. This was the second time I went into the ceremony since I and Debra got together and every time I do it I notice big shifts in her the day after too. Like my work in ceremony affects her deeply without even going into ceremony with us. So I asked her if we could plan one together. Only this weekend we had Nora's birthday coming up and of course that is the time we forget about ourselves and embrace Nora’s day. After our time on the farm she made some wonderful friends. So her best friend, Luna, was invited to come over for a sleepover and cake at our house. But due to circumstances it wasn’t possible for her father to work that around. So they invited Nora for a whole birthday weekend combined with another birthday party from one of the kids. So she took off for a whole birthday weekend with her Spanish friends. So here we had the opportunity to go with the 3 of us. This time planning it during the day instead of the night, because it was Debra's first time ever diving into work with entheogenic substances. My plan was to show her what she really is capable of and to show her what I do when I go into these moments of isolation to sit with myself. Only we could have never seen what was coming for us. The biggest initiation I encountered in ceremonies and life so far. Time to hold space with nobody having my back, or that was the plan at least. Until my wife was burning with her true power, she witnessed all her guides coming in to re introduce themselves. The whole Seraphim collective came down on us to support us in the healing for Gonzo.
While Debra opened up the higher realms, I was fusing together with my dragon Ragna. Her fire red and gold energy weaving into my energy field I saw myself literally becoming one with my dragon and at the same time being supported by the higher ascended masters from the violet flame. While Debra was pulling everything down from higher realms I was grounding it all into the ground. Gonzo was about to go through some life changing insights for himself, during purging he was assisted by Jesus and Mother Mary, to help him release this deep pain and grief he was holding in for so long. After some work with Mapacho and an Amethyst crystal around his neck he started to get breakthrough after breakthrough. Realizing why he was always so hard on himself. A little bit later, Debra moved over to the third tower to balance out our energy on the location. So each had their own tower to go within and hold their personal space.
In 2018, I was offered the key to my true powers, but up till last Saturday I was afraid to use the key to open that door. Power comes with big responsibilities and isn’t something to play around with. I never intended to become destructive and this was the reason for being scared to step into my power. Doing this work by yourself, for yourself is one thing, but once you start to work with people you hold the responsibility over them within this space. And it is an art to hold space for someone to go through their own healing process without interrupting or forcing people with their work. It's a very delicate boundary on when to help and when to stay in the background.
This day changed everything, our confidence is burning like it has never burnt before. We witnessed for the first time our true powers working together in dreamspace and worked together as a team. Everyday we grow closer and closer to each other with clarity and understanding the bigger picture for ourselves instead of getting lost in the misery and dramas of daily life. We realized that when we doubt ourselves we create a story that will reflect doubt. So the opposite is true as well, if you are confident and fully trust in yourself and what you're doing, we create a story that reflects strength and growth. This energy invites the universe to co-create with us and so we discover that we always have what we need. This is such a short version of everything that happened, but also many of these experiences are not meant to be expressed in words, but they are meant to be experienced Also with this story I wanted to show other people that we all have hard times and that it isn't always a fairytale like the impression some people have through social media. This has been one of the most difficult years of my life and the most magical year at the same time.
What a ride!