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  • Foto van schrijverSapito de la foresta

Subconscious control of fear

So the harmony that I talked about last week, was a big step in releasing stuck energy for my love, her biggest fears and darkness she was unconsciously expressing through the trauma that colored her life in the past. Even though she has been out of an abusive situation for years, it was still haunting her whenever she managed to achieve trust or happiness. To be honest, I’m emotionally exhausted from holding the space and the cleaning we have been doing, but there is no other option to keep on going until we make it. While working on this with her I was going through my own hell facing the things that were reflected to me. So I often felt like I was multitasking, without the opportunity to put my head down and rest to recover from the journey and the work. This is the way we can learn from the mirroring within a sacred union. Nobody said it would be easy..

It started at the point that I desired to communicate once more about the need to take a step back and rest on my own in solitude. Even though I was just planning to sleep one night separated in a different room without impulses from anybody around me but myself. This was coming in hard for Debra. Since her first marriage and the hell she experienced over there she doesn’t feel safe in a room by herself. Even knowing she loved the solitude and rest alone a lot in the past, she didn’t feel good about it. The paradox here is that she never wanted to take away things from me that I need to take care of myself, but this fear and wound was way stronger than herself.

So we had an irrational argument and I ended up hearing she wanted to be left alone and that I should take my time for myself even though she didn’t feel good with it. Know that these situations have always been irrational in a way. Those simple things in my world were just one trigger after another breaking the world she accepted to be her reality excluding specific horrific details of the past that she subconsciously pushed down into a state of dissociation. Her reactions were often just automatically launched as protection towards possible future threats. When you spend so much time in darkness and misery where you are deprived of every inch of energy you have left in your body you’ll drown. You will come to a point that you physically can’t handle the pain and emotions that arise within these abusive relationships. She wasn’t like this by choice, but by the need to survive the life she left behind in the USA.

I went into an individual room to spend the night and heard hell breaking loose in the house. She had one outburst after another of remembering those specific black holes in her past that had been completely out of her conscious perspective. Followed by hyperventilating and dropping back into more memories for a whole night she has been shown these past scenarios that revealed everything all of a sudden. Not that I didn’t want to help her, I wasn’t allowed to help her. I was forced by my guides to sit still and stay back so she could go through this and to continue together with her on this topic the day after. In the morning I found my wife broken, scared and shaking with the memories she recovered. We managed to sit together in a peaceful space so she could share what she wanted to share. She made connections that night that brought her a big part of her soul back that she lost in that marriage.

We spend the whole afternoon at the dining room table, sitting with our tarot cards and rune stones. Drinking coffees, (epic) spanish butter cookies and a nice bowl of weed to talk about the night she just survived facing this humongous demon that was torturing her for the past decade. Even though now she knows the details and felt the clarity around this situation we knew we're not done yet with this thing. So we decided to rest that night and spent the night together to get ready for the next day…

Last Friday was the day she wanted to pick up again where we left things before our rest.

She decided to write it all out which I could only support a full 200%. So that night we separated again so she could build her own ceremonial space to release this story out of her system. This gave her even more insight and a big relief to be able to share this with me and other people. Which is in my opinion a very big step for her. Simply lacking the words to express how proud I am of her that she managed to find the roots of this trauma and to clear it out.

The night was ceremony time for both of us. Debra alone in her space and I in mine. I had the feeling it was important for me to take another walk to the towers here in Gálvez. The night was gentle when I left the house. On my way, once I walked out of the village into the darkness of the countryside, the stars became more clear and it was like the clouds kept an arena open for me to view the night sky during my journey. No wind and very serene in soundscape I enjoyed the opening of my senses slowly stepping over into the dreamspace. Not really knowing what to expect for the night, I was very nervous which doesn’t occur very often anymore. I felt something big was about to happen and my tarot cards expressed the coming of another initiation. I almost arrived at the towers when the wind started to rise and flashes of lightning lighted the sky from a far distance. The arena was still keeping the sky open and the moon was shining bright, playing hide and seek behind the clouds. I sat down in our usual tower to find some cover for the wind, with the intention to sit down for a couple of hours and to contemplate on this last happening and the connections to the abuse. Observing my feelings, I was surprised how shaky and shocked I was with the details Debra shared with me. I knew she had a horrific time in the US, but this was a whole other level on top of that. My thoughts went off to the idea of feeling my wife as good as possible, finding out how I felt about this information and to give it attention so this doesn’t block within me. But my thoughts started to drift off to a darker place, finding myself going into the idea of hoping she was managing her journey well with me so far away from the house. Not that I didn’t trust her, but I received the message that it was up to me to bring back that darkness to the place where we built or safe space with the seraphim collective and our dragon collective. To get it out of the house and away from my family. A wave of fear came over me when the wind got up with a strength that I didn’t see coming. Something was clearly not happy to arrive at that place, while it has always been a safe haven since we arrived here.

It shocked me to witness the responsibility that comes along with the work that I have been studying for all these years now. This work is no F* joke. Remembering that so many people around me had hard time accepting what I was doing with my life, I saw for myself now at what kind of level my work is going and this is just the beginning. It was very clear now that the past year was about building a strong foundation to build up my future work. Firm roots and strong clear space before going up to higher etheric knowledge. And this year has been my first true peak into the higher etheric realms. But this night I felt like I was balancing the veil of our world and the astral space where many dark things are housed and waiting to feed themselves on the fear, the pain, the grief,... of beings in the lower plains. Realizing who you really are and seeing what you're capable of can be paralyzing at first. That’s how I learned for myself that it’s never good to rush this kind of process to develop your consciousness and opening specific spaces before even knowing what you’re doing. Again, this is no joke and I call upon you all to face this with bravery and light.

Once back on the road walking back home I could shake it off and lit up a smoke to invoke some protection. Usually I would whistle or sing, but something was blocking my voice and I lost my icaros quickly. The whole way back it felt like something was lurking around my bubble of light to get in. At a certain point on the road I saw a shadow move around crazy on 4 legs. This was very clearly not an effect of the visuals but something watching me. Spiky fur and no eyes reflecting in the moonlight, the dogs a little bit further were going mental on the presence of this shadow while they are usually sweet and happy to see me coming. Every time I walk to the towers I pass by a property with 2 German shepherds. As soon as they smell me or hear my voice they come over to the fence to say hi and lick my hands like crazy. They’re so lovely! But this time they weren’t so relaxed at all with almost no attention for me but guarding their property. So whatever came up I wasn’t planning to back down and keep my ground without hesitation. I needed to get back clean and safe to my family.

Things calmed down a little bit further and I noticed my mind drifting off to old connections from the past. Thinking about friends I haven't heard from for a long time. People that I left behind, people that didn’t agree with steps I was taking in my life. It felt like an opportunity to send them my love and gratitude for everything they brought to me or taught me by sharing a part of this life experience together. Once back in town I was reaching the peak of my journey, which wasn’t the plan at all to be back in civilization so early. It was a hilarious ride of walking through the streets that were hard to recognise at certain points walking back home. Once I made it to the door, I was relieved to find the house in peace and silence. I crawled in bed to continue my contemplation and observation of what was coming to my awareness and enjoyed my bubble big time. Sunday was a very relaxing day, both of us drained of the hard work we did this weekend and are still working on. Though knowing the biggest part of this one has been faced, it still needs attention so the wound can heal clean and beautiful now that the infection is gone.

This blog is rather a reflection that helps me to put my last days in a clear overview and also to get it off my system. I stay away from most of the details, because this is a very personal one for my love and could only encourage you to read her tiny pdf coming up on domestic violence and the effects of it explained together with her story and perspective from past trauma through parental advisory and the reactions of hormones during CPTSD ( chronic post traumatic stress disorder). Feel free to email me for any questions around mental, physical and sexual abuse. Know that you are not alone in this if this topic speaks to you or triggers personal memories. Thank you for reading this one, Love and gratitude, Nick

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